When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
