Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
