we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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