My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
