words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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