Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
