Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
