a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
