I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
