Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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