my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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