Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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