We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
