Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
