The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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