I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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