You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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