just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
