Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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