I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
