hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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