Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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