I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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