So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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