I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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