So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
