we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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