I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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