there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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