We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
