In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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