My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize