I am spending my child support on dildos
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
