If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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