i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
