Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize