you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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