He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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