I think I won the penis lottery.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
