Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i need some magic done to my vagina
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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