Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
