M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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