Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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