I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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