you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
