I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
