life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
