8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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