Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
