there's paper in my vomit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
