I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
