Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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