In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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