i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
