Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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