At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
