I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
